i woke up

I woke up and
All I could think about was you
The smell
The touch
The feel
I woke up and
All I could see was you
Your strength
Your encouragement
The goodness of you
Felt so real
I woke up and
All I could imagine was being loved
Being supported
Being held
Being seen
All by you
I woke up and
All I wanted was to be with you
Next to you
Right by your side
Making you happy
Feeling such pride
I woke up and that's when I realized
Your the one that makes me happiest
I don't need to continue a list
Just relieved now
I know where my feelings sit

--Silent Sleeper

The sun goes down and the shadows creep in. My self worth fleets and the torrement begins. I'm locked in cage with no key. The one who holds this key is the demon within me. I brandish a dagger and begin my fight, one I've surely lost many times over in this life. I fight because I must, soul searching for security and trust. This cage is small but I am clever, I will not last though like this forever.

Come to me swiftly
Softly into my heart
Where damage
Distruction
Beauty
Is art

I love you
The person you are today
The person you will be tomorrow
I love you
The soul inside
The person who from me can never hide
I love you
To make you happy I'll always try
You can come to me I'll care
I love you
So no matter where we end up
Together or apart I'll always be there
I love you

I'm breathing still
Trying to stay alive
But it hurts
Yes it hurts
Don't ignore that
Embrace it
Embrace the pain
I don't want to use
I don't want to be used
I used too
But I'm not her anymore
I want to grow up
Don't you?
But still young at heart
Just maturity is a safe  start
It all hurts
Crying again
Fighting again?
A constant fight
Is a battle you'll never win
Can't sit still anymore
But can't run away
I don't want to be here
But I have no where else to stay
Feel like crying some more
What is this
Why do I feel this way?
Don't I know my worth?
It all hurts
No longer liking feelings
It's all too confusing
Fuck boys
Play toys
Either way
I don't wanna play
I want out
Wish I could stay
But every time I grasp
You push away
Maybe I'm the same
But I try not to be
Just don't forget
Your the reason for my insecurities
So here we both sit
Tears seem approprecaite
And to keep from crying
I laugh
Laughing is where I go
Let my brain shut down
When will I come back
I don't know
Just know I have to get away
So this pain will go away
It all hurts
Though I'm still breathing
I'm still alive
I don't wanna die
So why do I cry
When I can stand up and smile
I can get on my feet
Go the extra mile
Embrace the hard time
Straight on
Don't settle
Know what you want
Work for it

Though for now it hurts
You'll hear me cry
Don't touch me please
I don't need comfort
I don't need sympathy
No empathy no emotions
Look not at me
But look somewhere else
As you always have
Don't come to me
When your just feeling sad
I want to give my all
I want to be real
I can't handle all this stuff
It's rediculious
I'm too overwhelmed
I'm sorry
I know
I want to go
One of us has to
You are no good for me
As I am no good for you?
All the questions
All the thoughts
Somewhere in my daydream
I seem to have gotten lost

Dear God
My Father above
I'm scared
Please, you know
Better than I know
What it is that's best
So here in your hands
I have to lay my worry to rest

STAR

I Will Not Be

I will not be
Just the woman on your arm
I will not be
The one fooled by your charm
I will not be
Just the one you show for looks
I will not be
That broke down girl you read about in books
I will not be
The one you feel you can push around
I will not be
The one on that unstable ground
I will not be
Just someone to play with
I will not be
That girl, with me it would be a myth
I will not be
Just the one silent that never speaks
I will not be
Just a woman to never get what she seeks
I will not be
Just that girl you sometimes forget why you have around
I will not be
The one 40 years of unhappiness bound
I will not be
Just someone you can easily ignore
I will not be
Just someone you become for as a chore
I will not be
Just the one at home
I will not be
The one you leave to roam
I will not be
Just your woman while your not alone
I will not be
The one they find out about later
I will not be
Just her because my worth is greater
I will not be
The one to give all only to get nothing
I will not be
Strong because I deserve a little something
I will not be
The one who gives up all my happiness so you can play around
I will not be
Just that woman you leave without a sound
I will not be
Just that easy to walk away from
Because I will be
The one walking away from you
I will be
The one who does whats best for us both its true
I will be
The one to say enough of this
I will be
The one you'll start to miss
I will be
The one who got away
I will be
The woman you thought you could play

Being selfish
Who you
No I am
Being selfish because
I'm the one not listening to you
Your the one whose screaming now
Your holding on to pain I can tell
You say it then you shut it down
Close yourself out say let me in
This whole thing was started on sin
Being selfish
No more
How do I get better
God give me strength
Through this stormy weather
Help me where I cannot help myself
Because I want to love
I want to feel
I want to fulfill my purpose
Because I know you're real
Being selfish
Who you
No I am
Being selfish because
You're struggling
Yet you stand hearing my words
You need someone to talk to
But I always open my mouth and stop you
Being selfish
That's what I was doing
This is real though
Now is the time for me to listen
So next step
Keep my mouth shut
Come with solutions
Not problems
Because I can tell
Even though I'm broken
And you stand taller than me
Your just if not more broken inside
In your eyes that's what I see
Being selfish
I no longer am
Love is strength
On which I feed

not many things to say

There's not many things to say
When really there's a million
but whats a conversation?
How that do I do that
When I look at you I feel like I'm longing
Longing for words
for thoughts
but I feel cold
then I feel hot
I feel and I feel and I feel
but I never understand
it hurts and its confusing
I look to you for answers
I feel the weight it puts on you
and I know its not fair
I need to be there for you
just as much as you for me
So together can we finally be
Where next does this story lead
I found the reason I stay to myself
Whenever you're never around
is because they make me think of you
all the things we used to do
then I start to hurt again
the kinda pain I'm supposed to be used too
but I'll take physical over mental any day
too bad I don't know how to make the pain go away
I have many ideas that we can try
though nothings a promised guarentee
forget not though forever and always we will be
We already know that I'm not okay
Don't take that though as you cant be too
together we can crumble to create something new
newer and better, sometimes i forget my emotions are off
seeing you again makes me want to be real
but what is real
I start thinking I know
Only to conclude I'm confused
Theres nothing simple about life
Nothing simple at all

Look over my lover
Where are your eyes
Reflecting my own
Hearts beat slow to fast to slow
Times spinning around us
The floor is no longer there
Look over my lover
Why do your eyes wonder
There's a feeling here
Why is it hard to breath
Body's a little shaky
Knees suddenly weak
Look over my lover
As I admit defeat
I want so badly
As I always have
But who do I turn to
You my lover?
Look over my lover
I'm reaching out my hand
Just needing your comfort
The safety of home
Though your eyes look empty
Meaning I can't read them
This is all on trust and hope
Look over my lover
I'm waiting for you
Been standing here long
You always come
Only to go
Will this work
I don't really know
Look over my lover
See I love you so