Excuses

Tired of the excuses
The reasons we stay to choose is
For the reasons we leave, for truces
He said he'd do better, her hope fuzes
She said he's the one for me, love never loses

Constantly, "I'm happy." that we've all said
Though all I see are those words left unsaid
Lingering behind your lips, those stories spread
It wasn't hard to realize whose hunger was fed
We all get those moments of reality, we all dread

The more we try to find the reason for things
Is the reason frustration and confusion clings
This is what your excuses brings
Choices and corrections, doorbell rings
When we give up excuses, happiness sings

So you can carry on your marry way
Forget not though for what you heard me say
Come to me and your thoughts you'll start to weigh
Trust me I know its hard to lose color, see only grey
And I can tell that gleam in your eye wont stay

In your eyes though, looking close, sorrow
You can keep dreaming things will be better tomorrow
A lot to process should I continue, light up my claro
I'll continue speaking this sight you may borrow
Just don't be afraid to let go of your excuses though

~Amiralaina the Wonderer

Therapy Session

This is real
Trust me
I know how it feels
I don't feel well
I know I am not okay
But I want to stay strong
For you, this strength for you
But I feel sick
This is real
Trust me
Now I'm not really thinking
We can all breathe easy though
This is a feeling that I know
I'll hold out for you
Because I need help
I don't know what to do
I'm scared they will take me away
Everything is coming back through
You will eventually break
That's what they always say
And I'm worried they will be mad
It's true, so close I feel it
All coming back to me
So many feelings will be hurt
These words can't leave my lips
Stay in my head your not me
But this is real now trust me
I feel the ground moving fast now
We're rushing though time trying to get ahead
Though this present has past now
Image everywhere you walk
Having to smile while I voice inside you screams
Flashes here the scene has changed
Then back to the present what did you see that for
Continuing on these words grow longer
Soon we'll be crawling in hunger
It's insane to say we can keep our demons at bay
You can only free yourself, you know what to say
This is real
Trust me
I can be alright
I want to be
I hope when you read this
You won't be the one whose mad at me
Should apologize now
I got lost in my depression
Seems it's time for a therapy session

From the Heart

Somewhere she left her heart
To intertwine with her soul
And one day
What's her story?
When and with her pose?

Give, give her reason to live
What is the meaning of love
Did you teach her?
Or did She teach you love
As you taught her to live?
...

       -Amiralaina the Wonderer

pondering thoughts

Sitting at the top of the stairs
I have no motivation to move
I just sit here and my mind starts to ponder
I start thinking of you
How we've let our love wonder
So often we do things
Thinking we're doing it right
But on a real note we don't know
Though I do love you so
Feelings of anger often flood through my veins
Boiling my blood to the top
That's why when I got here
I had to stop
Had to take a moment to breathe
It wasn't until I stopped that I released
How difficult moving can be
I don't want to take another step forward
Without you though I still have to
It's difficult you know, this I didn't choose
Often my minds croweded with the thoughts
Of love so true
How over the last 4years you were who I'd choose
And maybe I was just to lost in my mind
Maybe that's why you couldn't stay
And maybe it was all my fault
Maybe I'm the one whose pushed you away
But I can blame myself all day and night
It won't change anything though
Placing blame won't make it all alright
So here I sit at the top of the stairs
With no motivation to move
I just sit here and my mind starts to ponder
I start thinking of you
How we've let our love wonder

I think about you all every single day


There's death in my heart
It's cold, very cold, very still
There was hope in my heart
If it's still there it's frozen
There was love in my heart
It was warm, very warm, very happy
There was peace in my heart
It's now chaos, madness
There was a heart beating
It's gone quite now, whispers
There was life from my heart
If that's what you'd ever call me
There's death in my heart

Your eyes grow narrow
You start thinking
Will I always be this cold
You want to be warm again
You crave for the sunlight

I love you just replayed in my head
I'm reminded everyday it would seem easier to be dead
Though the fear of living won't stop me
From getting true love and finding someone who feels me

Smiles doesn't reach her eyes, they say she's sexy
But I can tell she feels dead inside
Look again and see her soul lingering
Just on the surface ready to give everything

Constantly told to wait
But what is waiting

sadness

It's the sadness that keeps me driven
And have I ever stopped to question that?
You best believe every single day
Wake up feeling nauseous and shaking
My head gets flooded with thoughts
I'm overwhelmed with emotional pain
Shut it all off, I wish I could
There's no point in sleeping
I know it'll all still be there when I awake
Is there anything to do other then smile
I'm not sure of anything
What's real what's a dream
Reality and fairytales seem all the same
Finding myself crying in the bath tub missing you
Maybe missing everything that I don't know
Or everything I knew and loss
Crying over things I can't control
What's the point of crying
Just to cry until I can't cry anymore
I figure if I let it out, let the tears out
If I give in and let my body go
Let my mind eese itself
Maybe my sadness will become something else

Where is home?
Where is that safe place I may go to
Where is love?
Where is that special someone to cling to
Where is hope
Where is all the promises he made you
Where is motivation
Where is her determination to thrive
Where is that safe place
Where is it because I don't know what to do

Can I close my eyes and never open them,
I'm scared my minds shutting down
Will I see you again?

chaotic thought process through time and space

What's the use of a mirror if you can't look there
what's the reason for the chaos in your heart
young girl this doesn't seem fair.

To simply say it's harmless
Now you've got me feeling sad
I'm sorry for the way I treated you
Never did I mean to make you mad

I want to love you but the burden of love seems evol
But to run from it is the worst of all
I never asked to feel this way
I never asked for you to make me smile
I never asked for you to make me care, when I look over
I'm either wishing you here or wishing you there
Toying with heart strings, instrumental artists

None of this will make sense of course
There's so many things going on
In my dream last night though
For the 4th time I've seen destruction
My body was nothing but colors in the wind
Only my eyes could see me
I floated around the room as it all zoomed in and out
I saw all you people but I couldn't help

Seeing reasons like colors
Hearing voices with strong words
About to lose my mind yet
I'm seriously sane
Consciously crazy
It's always the same
Perhaps I'm longing
For what I know will never be there
Maybe, but maybe is maybe
So, why so badly do I care

"You can't keep running!"
She grabs his arm squeezes tight
"Let go of me."
In his voice he hid any color of feeling
"Just like me, you are dead,"
 but she didn't leave him yet
"Let me come with you?"
The last thing she ever said?
"I'll see you when tomorrow comes."
Looking in her eyes, wasn't lying, dead
Tomorrow for her never came
No matter how many times he replays his thoughts
The outcome seems always the same.


You can't save a girl whose destiny for pain



To be continued

I don't know how I feel right now
Maybe a little love sick
Stomachs turning
Just go away
Or just tell me to stop
Somebody has to

So you remember the love that you gave me?
Do you do remember this heart that you stole

In a Despret time once I sought to my grave
But out from the shadows a tall figure brought fear
Usually I'd have run but that night I stood brave
He offered me deaths hand, wasn't sure I could hear

Suddenly fear was replaced with sadness and anger
How could I ever love such a man who was forever a stranger
Time goes on the clock never stops,

But here she finically stops,
All the heart breaking is never ending
I once hated man for the abuse that he gave me
But then it became a man who was meant to save me
All this emotional pain and agony is driving me crazy
For once can I focus on myself and be a lady?

But I will never be whole without you she said
I can live this life and be who I am
But to be truly happy without you, I'm not sure I can

-PendingStar

I didn't want to believe it
But in my heart it felt so true
I didn't want to believe it because
It was something I should've already knew

I love you

I love you was all she said
I love you she just repeated
I love you I love you I love you
She cried, tears heavy from her eyes
More than a million thoughts croweded her mind
She shut her eyes
Lips still quivering
I love you
She knew and she hated knowing
Knew too much, saw too much
Or not enough
I love you
The paint was thick on the canvas she painted
See I love you
The picture was so purely painted to express love
I love you, you said to me first
An I love you, I would forever thirst
I love you was all she said



Was it not you who I thought of
Was it not you I sought to
Was it not you I fought for
Was it not you I clung to
Was it not you I hoped for
Was it not you ?

Sarenstar